IVANNA BESENOVSKY
1
in my fantasy i
refer to you exclusively as
"you bitch"
you tell me
just do it
just do it
so i do it
like a bandaid
like a bandaid
like a bandaid
on the late night talk show in my head
i am the Latina Jimmy Fallon
bros love me
they bump my fist before and
after i take the stage
when we’re live on the air
my guests they tell me about
politics
they ask me about the state of
class structure
drool congratulations on each other
regarding their guns their dicks their cars
discussing
the model the make the year
the state of capitalism’s boring neoliberal yawn
fantastic
refer to you exclusively as
"you bitch"
you tell me
just do it
just do it
so i do it
like a bandaid
like a bandaid
like a bandaid
on the late night talk show in my head
i am the Latina Jimmy Fallon
bros love me
they bump my fist before and
after i take the stage
when we’re live on the air
my guests they tell me about
politics
they ask me about the state of
class structure
drool congratulations on each other
regarding their guns their dicks their cars
discussing
the model the make the year
the state of capitalism’s boring neoliberal yawn
fantastic
2
i know now
but didn’t know then that
the most insidious part about
loving you
specifically
would be the incessant replication of every nausea ever felt
like grade five hallway pissing
like standing too close to the chevron pump
like sweating thru another and another once-clean shirt
loving you is walking down the sidewalk
to find myself suddenly staring
straight into the eyes
of a shitting dog
unable to look away
it being too late
no, loving you is not a relief
it’s not romantic
it doesn’t cause me to believe
in the divine potentials of circumstance
instead
it’s like waiting in line
forgetting why i went to the store
in the first place
sliding my card into the chip reader
too fast
too fast
too slow
trying again
trying again
trying again
saying to the cashier
i’m so sorry
i know there’s money
in my account
but didn’t know then that
the most insidious part about
loving you
specifically
would be the incessant replication of every nausea ever felt
like grade five hallway pissing
like standing too close to the chevron pump
like sweating thru another and another once-clean shirt
loving you is walking down the sidewalk
to find myself suddenly staring
straight into the eyes
of a shitting dog
unable to look away
it being too late
no, loving you is not a relief
it’s not romantic
it doesn’t cause me to believe
in the divine potentials of circumstance
instead
it’s like waiting in line
forgetting why i went to the store
in the first place
sliding my card into the chip reader
too fast
too fast
too slow
trying again
trying again
trying again
saying to the cashier
i’m so sorry
i know there’s money
in my account
3
in the Reality of the Situation
i am clinging to any rendition
of any promise of spectacularity
when i loved you
i was happy
i made you a god
i worried that you moved
with the inconsequence of air
when i confronted you about this
you did not deny it
in those days
i ate my food
like a porcelain dog
it hurt my
feelings
when you
noticed
i am clinging to any rendition
of any promise of spectacularity
when i loved you
i was happy
i made you a god
i worried that you moved
with the inconsequence of air
when i confronted you about this
you did not deny it
in those days
i ate my food
like a porcelain dog
it hurt my
feelings
when you
noticed
IVANNA BARANOVA is a poet based in Vancouver, Canada. Her work has most recently been published by Metatron Press, Poetry is Dead, and Pacific Dissent. She holds a BA in Interdisciplinary Studies of Philosophy, Gender, and Creative Writing from the University of British Columbia, as well as a $0.60 Subway gift card.